Man Will Tear Off Own Head…

Satirical article about a man sick of hearing “Holy Grail”.

Author:  The Bladder staff.

Date: January 12, 2003.

Original URL: displayContent.asp?CID=1688&EID=185


Article Text

Man will tear own head off if he hears Holy F***ing Grail one more time

“The offending songwriter” [Picture of Mark Seymour]

A Melbourne man is reportedly “shitted beyond belief” after being exposed to the Hunters and Collectors tune ‘Holy Grail’ during Channel Ten’s Brownlow medal count on Monday.

Preston man Peter Van Werholm, 22, estimated he had been exposed to the Mark Seymour-composed ditty “like a zillion” times since Ten’s coverage of the AFL finals was unveiled earlier this month.

The song, which discusses ‘hiding in the snow’ and ‘dying like flies’, was first written by Seymour for Hunters and Collectors’ 1992 album Cut. It was released as a single in 1993, popped up on live albums in 1995, 1996 and again appeared on a Hunters and Collectors retrospective in 1998, the same year Seymour performed a live orchestral version at the Adelaide-Kangaroos Grand Final. Van Werholm, who quite liked the song originally, said he first noticed it during Channel Ten’s football coverage of the qualifying final between Port Adelaide and Collingwood on September 6.

“They played it just before they cut to an ad break,” said Van Werholm, “and I thought: ‘yeah, I kinda like that tune. Don’t know what it has to do with football, but I kinda like that tune.'”

Channel Ten has alternated between a full-blown rock anthem version of the song, complete with words and guitar riffs, and a sort of synthesised, punched-out-on-a phone keypad kind of melody. Both soon began to grate for Van Werholm.

“After the 12th and 13th time it started to get to me,” he said. “And it’s only got worse during the last week. Brownlow night for me was like the underwater part of the iceberg – that’s when I realised that not only were Ten not going to stop playing ‘Holy Grail’, they planned a whole new assault in the last few days of the season. When [Brownlow host] Stephen Quartermain said the song was “fast becoming a football anthem” during the telecast I thought: ‘I hear this one more f**king time and I’m going to tear my own head off.'”

“Where the f**k is Greg Champion when you need him?” Van Werholm moaned, casting his eyes skyward.

Van Werholm said yes, he understood the whole f***ing grail as premiership metaphor, although he became confused during the Brownlow telecast and thought for a while there were two Holy Grails – the Brownlow and the premiership. He added that he would not be held responsible for his actions, so help him, if Ten programmers subjected him to the song again this weekend. “Not that I’m f**king optimistic,” he added.